*You Can’t Have Just One*

You’ve been on a diet but it’s time that you cheated
And you can’t have just one
You’d save some for lunch but it’s no good reheated
And you can’t have just one
You’ve had a long day, you deserve to be treated
And you can’t have just one
Your stomach is full but you won’t be defeated
And you can’t have just one

Once you pop you can’t

You’ve heard of countries where they open a bottle
And throw the cap away
You’ve heard of countries where they have a glass
In the middle of the day
You’ve heard of countries where they treat
The wine just like food
You don’t live in those countries but sometimes
You wish you could

Once you pop you can’t

The first one makes you light and buzzy
But you can’t have just one
The second makes you warm and fuzzy
But you can’t have just one
The third one was the right amount
But you can’t have just one
The fourth one makes you lose your count
But you can’t have just one

Once you pop you can’t


*Soft Touch*

Stop me on the street if you want to save the children
Stop me in the mall if you want to save the whales
Stop me on the phone if you want my opinion
I’m your best friend of you’re in telesales

Soft touch
I’m a soft touch
I’m a soft touch
I’m a soft touch

I’m the one who clips the coupon
I’m the one who clicks on the ad
I’m the one at Bed Bath and Beyond
I’m the one reading my spam

Soft touch
I’m a soft touch
I’m a soft touch
I’m a soft touch


*The Glove*

Regrets? I’ve had a lot
But not enough to make me stop
Nothing ventured, it’s a pain
You’ll only do it all again
Early to bed? Seems unwise
You’re only missing out on life
The early bird, he seems forlorn
His consolation prize the worm

I never thought we’d play this late
Stuck in a cab on 278
I never thought I’d be out this late
Wasting my life on 278

Doors at seven, bands at eight
You know we’re always starting late
Nobody goes on on time
Maybe we’ll be on by nine
Check my balance, I see red
Studied in the school of debt
Cutting up and cutting off
A wallet full of credit cards

I never thought we’d play this late
Stuck in a cab on 278
I never thought I’d be out this late
Wasting my life on 278

Think of all the time I wasted
All the wines I left untasted
Books unread, films unwatched
Bedposts that I left un-notched

I never thought we’d play this late
Stuck in a cab on 278
I never thought I’d be out this late
Wasting my life on 278


*Donner party*

You said yes to heading out west
Looking for a home on the range
Wanted more peace than in the city back east
Thought you’d find some on the plains
Now the wagon’s turned west, we’re in line with the rest
And this thing they call hope it feels strange
I never did much, I was a soft touch
But honey I think I can change

Change I can change I can change

Oregon Trail, lots of travelers fail
Some think it’s all a game
You can starve or get sick or freeze to the quick
And the only space you claim is a grave
But that won’t be our fate, we won’t set out late
Knowing Donner Pass is our aim
We rationed, we reasoned, we left in the season
But you know the weather can change

Change it can change it can change

Change sun to ice, and the cold winter night
We could see no way to the pass
We knew we were late so we settled to wait
But there’s only so long you can last
Rations ran low, outside there’s snow
And you do what you must to survive
Once you were dead would you want to be fed
To help keep the others alive
We started polite, named every bite
So family kept far from kin
But the snow didn’t melt and soon we all felt
The survivors deserved to tuck in
Now that we’re through, there’s not much we can do
But sit on the beach watching waves
Eying each other, sisters and brothers
Wondering if we really changed

Change did you change did you change


*Rock Bottom*

If this isn’t rock bottom, why is it so hard?
If this isn’t old Sodom, Gomorrah can’t be far
I want to do the bad things I read about in books
Like Lot’s wife missed the fun things and had a second look

It was a dark night of the soul
When every pizza place was closed
I questioned all my choices
As I went hungry and went home
In the cold light of the dawn
Waking up with my clothes on
I questioned all my vices
And where I had gone wrong

If this isn’t rock bottom, why is it so hard?
If this isn’t old Sodom, Gomorrah can’t be far
I want to do the bad things I read about in books
Like Lot’s wife missed the fun things and had a second look

My first thanksgiving home
On my parents phone
Playing at reunion
With this who’d never gone
And in the twenty since
It’s like I never left
When I see the faces
Who think they know me best


*No True Scotsman*

No true Scotsman, no true Scot
Would ever try to argue with Godwin’s Law
Would fudge the data, lie with statistics
Play Devil’s advocate, resort to heuristics
So few people want an honest debate
Where one side trolls the ones that they hate
Where’s civility, respect for truth
Where’s forgiveness for misspent youth
Too many people didn’t read the article
Think they’re a have when we’re all have nots
Too many people answered the cattle call
For no true Scotsman, no true Scot
Would ever try to argue with Betteridge’s law
Would eat the plums that were in the ice box
Would make the poor poet turn over in his pine box
So few people studied the humanities
Claim they know it when they see obscenities
Where’s the gray when you’re talking to a bot
Where’s the joke without a sarcasm font
Too many people ignored the lyrics
Think of “Glory Days” as a walk in the park
Too many people think life’s a picnic
But no true Scotsman, no true Scot


*What’s Bad is Good*

A billionaire’s folly
Monroe’s beauty mark
The uncanny valley
America’s ark
They build it for show
Their wealth or their taste
They want us to know
They’ve got money to waste
An architect’s homage
A question of taste
A postcard to send
From a public space
We go just to see
What a lifetime can buy
We make plans to meet
Where they put the skyline

What’s bad is good
Nobody likes what
They’re told they should
What’s good is bad
Nobody wants
What everybody has

Some say Paris
Some say the Vatican
New York’s the line
I want to stand in
Buckingham Palace
Or the Taj Mahal
Can’t hold a candle
To the Hudson Yards Mall
Seven Eleven,
John Varvatos
Landmark status
for a Sbarro’s
CBGB,
54
All just stops on the guided tour

What’s bad is good
Nobody likes what
They’re told they should
What’s good is bad
Nobody wants
What everybody has